I am very excited to share that my Polaroids appear in the inaugural issue of Fatal Flaw . Their first issue went live yesterday, and its a really cool accomplishment. I felt so honored that these women chose me to appear in their "Dystopia" issue, its very rare that I do something that just happens to feel relevant or somewhat apropos. This silly little desire to own a Polaroid camera and try to find anything compelling right as a global pandemic happens and subsequent shelter in place orders go into effect and I find myself looking at statues, gestures of hope, or signs of communal inspiration and think...that would look really good as a Polaroid. I guess right hobby for the right time. Admittedly, I haven't taken many Polaroids in the last few months as I realized how difficult (and expensive) it is to take a really satisfying shot of life in real time. Now that the book is listed onAmazon and Target and I have my phone meeting with the publisher tomorrow morning, the creative aspect of that endeavor is over now its all the promotional work going forward...I don't know, I'm both excited and horrified.
The poetry bug recently bit me and I have been focusing more energy on that, so who knows? Maybe I'll get the itch to take more Polaroids again. Frankly, my head is in a lot of different places right now. Creatively I feel that I have been MORE than fortunate in that I have managed to find my work being accepted more than it has ever been, but emotionally? I guess I'm still wondering what the hell any of it means and if it means anything at all. The most honest thing I can say? As excited as I am to have my first novel published, I am not delusional. If it sells 50 copies? That's a good day. And out of those 50? If even two people read it? That's an even better day. However, the book will come out and life will move on. I don't want to obsess over how much it sells, or how much it doesn't sell. I don't want to drive myself crazy over will people think it sucks? Will they like it? What the hell does it mean if they like it? Questions fill my head...however, at the end of the day? I am hoping if this book or these published poems, short story, photographs, do anything? I really hope that somehow they can beef up the resume and I can find a career so my poor wife isn't stuck being the sole breadwinner forever. I think that is the most frustrating aspect about being somewhat creatively skilled. I am pretty good at this one specific thing, and I pretty much suck at everything else. I am excited, it is a big accomplishment...its just really scary to think about. I was telling my therapist earlier today that its the most intimate thing I could have done save for being intimate with my wife or raising two children. It is fiction, but inevitably a lot of YOU can't help but finagle its way into the narrative somehow. I remember being 19 year old and I was in a band with a group of my friends. I wrote all the music and the lyrics, so how the songs were received even if the writing had NOTHING AT ALL to do with the performance of said songs? Really resonated with me. We played this REALLY awful show one night (awful for us, all the other bands sounded awesome) it was a metal show and man did we get our asses booed right off the damn (well, there wasn't a stage it was the basement of a church) carpet...I remember going home and knowing it was a gig that could be equatable to Goo Goo Dolls opening for Cradle of Filth so...what did we expect? But the rejection our music felt like a rejection of me. I have long gotten over that with my poetry. In fact, when I submit now? I just assume rejection is around the corner. I guess this novel is so different because while my poems are VERY personal, they aren't as explicitly personal. For what its worth? You can read a poem and decide for yourself this is what you think it means and I would gladly encourage that. The same way songs tend to resound with people on a very personal level independent from what the lyricist had intended. This is different though...now matter what I do? Its me. Its my story (again, HARD emphasis on its fiction loosely borrowed from real life) but the voice is absolutely mine. There's no getting around that. What if people ignore that voice? (who am I to be mad if they do? its not remarkable) what if they hate it? (again, who am I to tell anyone they should like me) and what if it connects with them (I am terrible with positive and connection as I just assume everyone finds me insufferable and vile). Well, this is what my Professor Faith would refer to as a mind dump. Thank you for allowing me to dump out some things going on in my head. I don't pay much attention to insights as it would become another detrimental obsession so when I say I truly don't think anyone reads this blog? I REALLY don't think anyone reads this blog. However, it looks like my book (as told by retailers) is heading for a September release date. I would LOVE if anyone who reads this blog or reads that book could put a song to it. Its a 90s book, so I mean the song of choice should probably reflect that. When I ended my virtual visit with my therapist today I immediately thought to myself....Smashing Pumpkins "1979" is pretty damn appropriate for personal reasons. So that would be my song. Come September if you bought it, read it, however you felt about it...I'd love to hear what song it made you think of.
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A lot has been happening both personally and in the world around me since I last wrote an entry here. Most importantly, my youngest boy turned one this past Friday (July 10th) and we had a small socially-distant party for him that following Saturday. The picture above is a gift my big sister gave to me (I turned 33 on Monday) she said she ordered it months ago, initially she was inspired by our daily phone calls and hearing my oldest busting my balls in the background. When she spotted these shirts, she just felt it was TOO perfect. Admittedly? It really was...I didn't think I would get a birthday gift that could top it....
My author's copy finally arrived! Now, as cool as it is to hold my literary baby in my hands? I had a rough day with my youngest baby. He had his one year check up which meant, three shots and blood work. When he was getting his labs done, the ladies doing it commented on how much worse daddy was dealing with it than the baby. ACCURATE. I was a total fucking mess when they were taking his blood. I felt like such a horrible person....three shots AND BLOOD WORK! Total monster. I do absolutely love getting to see my kids' pediatrician though. Such a sweetheart. While she did my youngest boy's exam we talked about the protests, my wife's recent project with my oldest to explain diversity to him (we have a map in his playroom where they pick a specific country and my wife cooks a traditional meal to that country, he LOVES it) and I'm sure I awkwardly rambled about this and that. She's a great physician and so down to earth that its hard not to ramble.
So, I go and I get my oldest from his mimi's house after the lab work was done and I said...I'm gonna stop home REAL quick just to see if maybe the book came today. Sure as shit, I open up the door to my in-law's house and I see that brown package waiting with the rest of our mail. My mother in law calls out "Hello?" I let her know its me and I'm just getting the mail when I open the package to find my author's copy. She casually says, "Oh! You got a book!" and I joke "No, I WROTE a book!" Then she teases that she can't see without her glasses. She was really proud. I then go to the kitchen to find my father-in-law (I'd just call him dad, as that's how I feel about him. My dad sucked. My father in law? He treats me like the dad I always wanted) in the kitchen on his break and I go out and show it to him...no big deal, hey father in law here's something I did! I never EVER expected what followed. He held it in his hands, stared real hard at his son in law's name on the cover and looked at me and immediately said "You're going to make me cry" he then embraced me tighter than my own father ever would have wanted to (even on his deathbed) and sobbed and told me how awesome it was. If I never sell a single copy? That one fleeting moment realizing that my father in law was SO proud of me? That was worth all of it. I go back to the car where my kids were waiting and I show it to my oldest. "Hey bud, LOOK! Daddy wrote a book!" and without missing a beat...."Are we still going to Target?" In that moment I realized two things. If this thing doesn't sell or meet my expectations? It won't crush me because I fucking did it and it made my father in law cry. This is a man who knows how fucking hard I have worked to publish a book and it made him cry. The second? I could never and would never get a big head even about the most modest success in my life...because at the end of the day? Hubris doesn't mean shit to my son. I promised him and his brother prizes for being brave and being so good to his Mimi...that, "Yeah, cool. Dad you published a book. I want a Ryan toy chop-chop.
For a while I got REALLY hung up about what age I should be published at. Admittedly? 33 feels like the best age. Why? Because I had nearly cried my eyes out while my youngest got his blood drawn after 3 fucking shots. UGH....god that felt AWFUL. I hated driving to the doctor or to the lab, you would have thought I was getting that damn inoculations and labs. Then my oldest without missing a fucking beat. Yeah, yeah daddy....but I want a pink drink from Starbucks...STAT. *immediately snaps out of brooding writer facade and into his dad fatigues* But, I tried to have some fun with my childhood best friend...
I tried to do my best upside down and backwards PR Shot. I think I nailed it. While I didn't shoo away protesters to take it, I did tell my two kids to scram. So, here it is. I e-mailed my publisher and hopefully I will get a street date, price, and where to buy it SOON. I REALLY want to focus on local. A lot of small businesses are hurting right now and I would be so humbled to get this book into stores that are independently owned. I also understand that this economy has gone to shit and I feel bad...look, I want to be read. Would I like to make money from my art? Absolutely, but mostly I want to be read. So, hopefully we can talk about getting this into a lot of libraries. So, that's where I stand with the book. I finally got my author's copy which I don't plan to hold onto for very long. There is a very special teacher who changed my life, kept me alive, and had it not been for her? I never would have made it this far and I want her specifically to have my author's copy. Also, I am over the moon to be included in the inaugural issue of Fatal Flaw magazine which goes live tomorrow (I have pictures published in it) and I will absolutely make sure to share the link when I get one! In the meantime? I saw some cool shit lately and here it is:
Homecoming for an elderly COVID-19 survivor in my town! It was really awesome, hours later I did witness the actual homecoming and it would have made even the most callous person weep. So awesome.
There are a lot of my neighbors that are SO tired of his shit. At some point I'd love to meet every single one of them and shake their hands and thank them for being so brave to express themselves.
The youth of this country have spoken. I am so fucking proud. Every time I come across this stuff? I really do feel so proud of the future and look forward to it. I hope I am lucky enough to make readers out of some of these kids. It would be an honor to be read by some truly brave, compassionate, and intellectually gifted individuals. In a period where being willfully ignorant and complacently dumb feels like the norm...it is awesome to see kids looking at these people and literally saying "you're an idiot!" I hope I can reach out to them, because clearly they know what's up.
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September 2021
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