First, I don't know why this picture came out like crap. Again, between social distancing and my inability to take professional quality photos I am hoping they don't stymie the purpose or intent of posting them here. I hate slogans. I hate hashtags. And god damn do I hate manufactured buzz-words or soulless marketing (over real issues) that can be printed on bumper stickers, shirts, coffee mugs, or other forms of easy cash grab spur of the moment spending. This however, is not one of those things. The amazing thing about both the COVID-19 self-isolation and the recent headlines is that it forces me to engage in self reflection. It affords me the opportunity to revisit mistakes, moments in personal history that I hope to learn from, and ultimately be able to raise my two boys in a less "do as I say not as I do" and more of a "been there, done that, please learn from the mistakes I made." The big one was not understanding Black Lives Matter at first, and like many (very ignorantly) well, don't ALL lives matter? Sure, absolutely....if you understand why black lives have to matter first.
It is 2012, and I am twenty-five years old. I work for a major market radio station and it is Sunday morning and I am in my car after working the graveyard shift (midnight to six in the morning) and I am tired...VERY, VERY tired. So tired, that the three cans of Monster started wearing off just blocks from the station to the point where I am absolutely horrified I might not make the almost thirty-minute drive home because my body is feeling the sleep deprivation. Fortunately, I get on the highway and I am maybe five or six exits from where I need to pull off. I am also terrified, this is the same highway I almost died on the previous winter three exists away from home after doing a one hundred and eighty degree spin smashing all four sides of my car on the guard rail and yet...miraculously? no injuries, car can still make it home (despite being totaled, and oh yeah...there was a propane tank in the trunk gas tank side where the car had the most impact), and fortunately I was the only one on the road. I get out of my car, collect myself and manage to get home. That was January and now its June. So I finally pass by this now infamous exit but unbeknownst I am going ten miles over the speed limit. I suppose I should have been smarter, but I am tired and I need to go to bed. Luckily, its just me and one other car on the highway...well, I wasn't as lucky as I wanted to believe. Unfortunately? That other car? An unmarked State Trooper who is pissed. REAL fucking pissed off at someone or something and he decided that since I was violating the speed limit? (I was, that's on me. I was) He's going to take it out on me. Cherries flashing, loud horn SCREAMING to pull over and I comply. I pull over to the shoulder and now he's screaming LOUDER! That I wasn't far enough over so I fucking HUG the guard rail, I hug it for dear life because despite how tired I am? Cops are scary. Fucking State Troopers!!?? God damn man, you've stepped in it now, and you're trailing it all over the shag rug. I cut the engine, throw on my hazards and with license and registration prepared...here come the shades, here comes the veins in the neck and temples, and more importantly? Here comes the meanest and scariest mother fucker I can't believe I am all alone dealing with. Right out the gate? I am a piece of shit, I'm an asshole, and clearly my inability to hug the gate means I want this total stranger dead. At this point? I have a bladder full of Monster that I can't believe didn't form a puddle in the crotch of my shorts. He is threatening me with jail time, with fines he can already tell my ass can't handle, fuck if even threatening to rip my ass out of the car and discipline the ever loving shit out of me because he is a cop and I am not. Thankfully? He takes pity on the 130 lbs 25 year old sleep deprived this station isn't worth this anymore scared out of his mind kid, and followed me literally up to the driveway to my parents' condo complex. I remember getting out of my car and jumping into bed waking up to pick up a friend to see Prometheus which opened the weekend before and my body was still shaking from how scared I was of the officer who pulled me over later that night. NEVER ONCE, did it ever cross my mind that A.) This man might actually try to shoot me. or B.) He might throw my scrawny ass to the ground and choke the life right out of me while I scream out for someone to help me. That's privilege. Never in my life had I heard of that ever happening to a skinny white kid, and yet that's exactly what I'm hearing happening to black men and women. Today I kept circling around every bad encounter I have had with law enforcement over the most trivial of encounters (namely traffic or being accused of smoking pot...I get it, I had long hair and questionable fashion so I guess that made me a lightening rod for allegations) and yet the fear of being detained violently or being shot never even entered my mind, but I always feared that my freedom would be taken away simply because it could be. I remember thinking, I am so lucky that guy didn't have blood lust that morning..now I'm thinking, god..what if I was a black kid? Same scenario, what if I was coming home from a job that I loved but paid me next to nothing and forced me to work these ungodly hours that would eventually mean I'd come face to face with a glorified sociopath in a uniform? Chances are? I wouldn't be writing this right now. This isn't to say ALL police officers are evil or that they all have a racist or corrupt agenda because that isn't true. Unfortunately though, enough of them do....and that's simply too many. After taking in all the stories, the media coverage, and all the literature out there I finally deduced this, if you are white and you aren't reflecting on all of this, if you aren't looking at your kids and thinking...god damn I have to address this, I have to fucking do my job as a role model and a parent, if you aren't taking a look at yourself and wonder what am I really contributing to the conversation or the societal debate over what's happening...if you are becoming complacent and deciding to stay out of it out of fear of upsetting people, being marginalized because you realize how much bigger this is than you could possibly ever fathom in your whole life? You are complicit. You are a bystander who is saying its okay for this shit to happen again, and again, and again until you literally treat hate crimes, police brutality, and racism like white noise because well, that sort of shit doesn't happen in my backyard. Don't be the person whose backyard it doesn't happen in until it does, because YOU could have been part of reform, YOU could have been a voice in changing what is fucking wrong with this world and this country. I am not trying to fucking politicize this blog and I am not trying to point fingers...I am simply reflecting personally and thinking, god...I was a white heterosexual male at twenty five years of age when that unprofessional individual made me fear for my life wearing a uniform that I was raised to believe would protect it. What if I was black?
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