If you are looking for a way to make your kids go to bed? Turn on the Criterion Channel and make them watch a short animated film. Better yet, then make your oldest try to watch "The Player" with Tim Robbins (I LOVE this film) and I guarantee he'll tap out to sleep before trying to keep up with a film SO boring (to him). Here they are, here are my boys. They are asleep. My wife had a staff meeting so I was in charge of bed time and well, I think I crushed it. The best part about bedtime now are the three friends I greet when I carry my oldest in and ask to make sure they'll take care of him. My son Dylan absolutely can not sleep without knowing they are in bed with him. These are his favorite things on earth. Slimer. Stay Puft. The Ghostbusters logo. Why? For the love of god, why? My son has a profound fear of the dark. Recently, he has run out to ask if I will remove the scary chucky movies from the bedroom because he is afraid of scary chucky. He also didn't care for my 1994 Jason mask from Jason goes to Hell (It has the CREEPY HAIR DADA!, and he even made me remove his chewbacca plush citing he has TOO much hair). I am going to be a published horror writer in one week and I have removed every iota of horror from my life because it scares him. Mind you, I have autographs and pictures of me hugging PJ Soles and John Kassir (the cryptkeeper) my wife even taught my son the following mantra ("If you see monsters and ghosts, don't be afraid. They are daddy's friends") and I have made a point to wear sports jerseys or bland shirts so that my son isn't afraid of monsters who are...well, friends of mine.
Believe it or not, there people who have actually asked me..."Does it hurt you? Does it bother you? Is it a problem? to remove horror from your life?" Not at all. I found and needed horror because it was refuge from the actual horror of having my father. For my oldest to be afraid of something and ask me to remove it, to take care of it, to trust me with its removal? I fucking did it. I really am the dada who is friends with the monsters. My son cuddles (absolutely won't sleep without them) three monsters because he LOVES (he watched it four times this weekend) Ghostbusters. He loves those monsters because those are the monsters daddy loved as a little boy. If you say "When daddy was a little boy" my oldest will immediately smile and say...I want it. That's super fucking cool. So amazing to think he cares about what I loved as a child and he carries it like an important torch. He fears Chucky the way I did at his age, and despite my owning and loving Chucky now...trusts that I will get rid of Chucky. Being a dad is so fucking weird, and so satisfying. I get asked a lot, what if your kids don't embrace what you love? Who cares? Its my turn to embrace what they love, fight off what they fear (even if I love it) and god damn it...what could be cooler than my son coming to me and saying...I don't like scary chucky, but I know you do. Can you put him somewhere else? He's afraid of Chucky but so afraid that he thinks Chucky can hurt him. Rather, dad...I really don't like your creepy annoying friend, can you stop having him over to watch the basketball games? Absolutely. No problem. I still love horror but I LOVE that my oldest doesn't. Why? Because is terrified of scary things, but the way I used to ask my wife to take care of spiders, he trusts me to keep the scary stuff away from him. Maybe one day he will come around to it, and if he doesn't? I think it would be a hilarious side note that my son hates the dark and hates scary things...and his father wrote a horror novel. I like being the person who can remove parts of his life because they scare his kid but his kid knows that his father loves it enough to protect him and tell the scary things...guys, I love you but maybe when he's older. So, I'm the guy who loves scary things and the reason they don't paralyze my kids is because...well, daddy can talk to them, and then they won't scare me because they respect him. Fuck. That is a cool feeling. I watch a lot of Olivia, Pepa Pig, Daniel Tiger, and Sid the Science Kid now...little does he know? What scares me? People rejecting science, kindness, and learning from mistakes. Chucky may make him uneasy, but those things are the catalyst for an existential breakdown. I'd rather he learn and become the person who appreciates the things that mitigates my fears. He LOVES science, cooking, kindness, and problem solving. Micheal...HEY! Micheal...MYERS! Take the damn mask off or take 5, my kid will appreciate you but frankly? You're too much right now and he's learning science! Mike...Mike! MIKE! I know, I know you want to learn too but frankly you're too damn scary. I'll...GUYS! Jason, Freddy, Chucky...I know, I KNOW you want to sit with him and learn too! He's too young. I'll DVR it...I'll teach you guys science too, I didn't forget about you. He's just not old enough yet.
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